April 07, 2009

Fiction

I never thought you would call again.

I should have never done that.

You are an animal.

Animal? Of course not. If I were, what were I? Tiger, dragon or a cat?

You are an animal. You come here, then ignore me completely until you are hungry again. It is humiliating.

I can see your points now. I admit that I am sometimes an animal. But it is not that clearn cut: in between the time when I am here and when, as you put it, I 'ignore' you 'completely', I feel the deep sorrow for what I have done to you. I cannot take you out to theatres, riverside or anywhere for that matter and I feel guilty for treating you like this. But every now and then, I feel the urge again... I have made you a victim in doing so.

Would you like to know what the 'victim' think of it?

Yes.

Well, first of all, she would not like to think of herself as a victim, for she can exercise self-control and in fact, that is why she never initiates any meetings, and when the animal does come around, she would like to think of it sheerly as a meeting of two old friends. Since he went away nearly a year ago, she had been living happily on her own. But it is also ture that she loves the moments that they share. She is not going to complain, because if she chooses, she is capable of self control.

You are a mature woman. Fiction is good because it helps to address issues like this.

Is your urge that of an animal?

Yes.

She was confused.

This was the closest of any hints that he did care for her. And the fact he was so upfront about his 'wrong-doing' seemed to suggest that he meant what he said. But the thought that he only considered his 'urge' that of an animal troubled her. She was not sure if that was to prevent her from hoping or that he had been telling the truth; using her for his animal instinct, and instinct only.

She knew him well by now and has long since stopped harbouring any hope of him being otherwise, such as being romantic, showing more feelings and care when they were not together, getting in touch when he was away...

She was reasonably content being on her own. Having confessed his troubling return to her life to her pal, she has been advised to enjoy all the 'good times' he could possibly offer but keep an 'emotional detachment' towards him. But the more she thought about it, the more this idea sounded disgusting to her. She decided to 'resume' her normal life and was determined not to respond when he contacted. She managed it sometimes, but more often, she just gave up too readily, thinking she should not ridicule herself by making a fuss of an request for as 'innocent' as a 'chat', or watching a film on DVD together at her place.

It dawned to herself one day that what she needed was a serious relationship to keep her stop agreeing to see him. Perhaps that was the answer, but deep down she knew she should have taken initiative rather than to wait till that day or that person to land into her life.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting, that was what she used to do when she was much younger. She didn't find it a problem then to have to wait for a whole week to hear from her then boyfriend because she had got a busy job and not hearing from him in between dates seemed a good way not to get distracted from her filfulling career. But with the benefit of hindsights, it was the lack of intimate contact that had eventually pushed her away. Now when she thought about it, she was amazed this would happen again at this stage of her life.

That he had wanted to meet her only when he felt the animal 'urge' reminded her of a letter from her ex to his new belle some years ago. In it he was responding to her question whether or not he loved her. They had then been together for a good eight months. She could not quite understood at that time if she was playing fire with him, but now she believed she was just behaving like a human being who did not want to be used by a married man. It was incredible how she had come to understand the woman who had 'stolen' the heart of her ex through this.